Okay here’s like an actual bloggy type post because I have a lot of feels right now and don’t really have a specific person that I want to vent it all to sooo I’m doing it here.
This is just the worst right now.
Everything is getting shitty on me again. I hate my brain. I hate anxiety. I hate how when things are going great suddenly everything literally everything in my life comes spiraling down.
Here’s all of the shit, all of it:
Still no job. Rent is due in less than a week. Have no money. Too afraid to ask friends and family for help, so I’m just letting it alllllll weigh down on me til the last minute. Not even sure I’ll be able to find anyone who can help on such short notice.
I don’t want a job here because it’ll be shitty. And if my dad still is gonna hold up his end of the deal then I’m moving to Columbus in June anyway. Feels dumb to have a job for less than 2 months.
Today one of my best friends just friendship broke up with me. Like totally just ended our friendship. Cut off. Cold turkey. Because he can’t see past his feelings for me and anxiety and blahblahblah idk. See ya I guess but probably not.
Recently I started to think about my ex and legitimately miss him even tho I was kind of a shitty person with even worse anxiety and shit than I have now. But I just miss him and what we had and how he made me feel and his big arms wrapped around my tiny body and laying my head on his chest and getting my hair tangled in his beard and hearing him snore and I even miss how he’d always always ask me for back rubs but rarely return the favor and how he’d smoke a pack of cigarettes every single day. I miss surprising him with delicious meals and baked goods and waking up early to wake & bake and make him the amazing breakfast he always deserved. I miss his everything.
To make matters worse, I’ve just had a shitty lonely feeling for the past week or so… so it REALLY doesn’t help that I just had to lose a friend (friendship break up, I mean, no deaths here) today.
I just need to go. I need to get to Columbus before I go down any further. I thought it was getting better but after today it’s only just getting worse. Much worse. I just know being in Columbus is what I need right now. Dad, friends, a city I love, an opportunity to work with my dad doing what I love, culinary school, everyone and everything about Columbus is what I need.
I have to talk to my dad first thing in the morning.
That is enough for now.
Thx 4 reading kthxbai!
Oh wait, I am not at a desk nor do I have a desk.
I’m laying in bed.
As if I thought things couldn’t get any worse, now I have no desks to slam my head on.